Regrettable Book of the Week™ — “The Billionaire’s Cinderella”

Another book for my “Regrettable Book of the Week™” series. For those of you new to my series, this is 100% parody. You are more than welcome to laugh, snicker and guffaw at my amateurish photoshopping and blurb writing. Bad is good. Good is bad.

I decided to futz around with the obsessive, spoiled billionaire who buys women for his playthings then falls for them:

BillionaireCinderella

The Tagline:

Sometimes the best things in life are free and right under our noses. All we have to do is look down.

The blurb:

Jane Ash delivers flowers and gifts, makes reservations, and arranges beauty salon, waxing and OB-GYN appointments–all in a day’s work for her very spoiled and debauched billionaire boss and his string of spicy numbers. Jane’s job description also includes cleaning up tearful messes and other loose ends when the “companion contracts” end. If it weren’t for the secret pranks of swapping donkey-sized condoms for her employer’s average-sized stash, she’d lose her ever-loving mind, despite the healthy paycheck.

Christian Gideon never thought he’d grow weary of the fairer sex’s charms, but after giving the heave ho to number thirty-one, that seems to be the case. He’s had women of all hair colors, heights, weights and temperaments, and has tried every position in the Kama Sutra, twice! Perhaps he should let that annoying girl Friday of his go if he can’t keep her busy. Heaven knows she must be missing doling out her usual sneers and digs.

When Jane’s step-sister, Isabelle, bullies her way into an introduction, Christian seizes upon a new form of entertainment. Putting Jane at Isabelle’s imperious beck and call–at least for a few weeks–is the best entertainment he’s had in a long time. Until Jane finally snaps and flees, leaving only a single Easy Spirit pump, size 12, behind. Will Christian be able to find his girl Friday once he realizes that the most important spice in his life has never been anything more exotic than plain table salt?

Oh sigh…this one isn’t all that regrettable, I’m afraid. I could actually see myself writing this as a Naughty Fairy Tale. Stick with me though. I’ve already done next week’s regrettable as a guest post, and it’s quite da bomb, if I say so myself.

Do you have an idea for the next “Regrettable Book of the Week™”? Be sure to share in the comments if so.

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Disclaimer: “Regrettable Book of the Week™” is a completely fictional (duh!) creation for parody purposes only. I have no product beyond what you see in this post. Photos are free download proofs of stock photos or photos I have purchased, not to be used for commercial purposes. This is not a commercial purpose, however, I retain any and all creative story rights in the highly unlikely event I accidentally create something that might be worth a damn.

See all prior Regrettable Books of the Week HERE

I’ll be damned…book covers really ARE important, by Stella Berkley

ibdA warm welcome to my guest, Stella Berkley, who also happens to be a fellow member of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pens, a supportive group of writers who met at an online writing forum. It’s my extreme pleasure to turn my blog over to her today to talk about the importance of a book’s cover and to share news about her latest release, I’ll Be Damned, a collection of erotic stories from Evernight Publishing.

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How important are book covers to you when selecting something to read?  Maybe you’re the kind of person who searches out reviews and couldn’t care less about the cover?  Or maybe you’re like me, picking up a book from the shelf because I can’t help but stop and admire a cover that catches my eye.

For me, the cover is an expression on the face of a book.  Is it smiling, welcoming?  Is it subtly devious and makes me wonder what’s going on within?  Is it a bold come-on?  Dark and shadowy?  Mysterious?  Is it a monstrosity of scowling mismatched colors and fonts?  Or worse yet, is it so bland and uninteresting I don’t even notice it staring up at me?

I have to admit that if the cover doesn’t catch my eye, I often won’t read the blurb.  It’s not that I’m that shallow but simply because there are millions of books out there and the ones with great covers are the first ones I notice.

The cover is the first selling feature of many.  The bold “I’m for sale” sign hanging in an author’s business window.  The better the cover, the better chance you have of someone stopping to browse.  Of course you need to back that up with an enticing blurb and a great first page, as those are the final cogs in the wheel to get a reader up to the counter with your book and some cash in hand.

I’d love to be able to offer you the formula for creating the perfect cover, but there are so many different kinds of covers I couldn’t begin to do that, so I’ll tell you what does it for me.

It tells a small story.  A look on the model’s face, the scenery in the background, the era the story is from.  It gives the flavor of the book either with bold, bright colors, or dark shades for a darker story.  It isn’t too busy, distracting from the title, but a just-right blend of images and colors to become a cohesive piece of art.  I love high contrast and simple images the best.

What is your favorite book cover of all time?  Do you know why you love it?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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About Stella:

Stella Berkley grew up in small town Ontario as a farmer’s daughter, usually up to her ears in some kind of trouble.  A career daydreamer, Stella has a vivid imagination and a love for fantasy, especially the dark and steamy kind.  Two of her novellas have been published with Cobblestone Press, and two novels by her tamer self were published last year.  When she isn’t writing, she hangs out with her husband and young daughter at their little house in the woods.

Find Stella here:

Website  |  BlogFacebook  |  Twitter  |  Goodreads

I’ll Be Damned Blurb:

Erotic Short Story Collection

For one night, love is enough to bridge the distance between heaven and hell.

In Devil Be Mine, Lucifer’s soul whore, Delilah, is tempted by her favorite submissive, Micah, an angel as pure as she is naughty.

In Fire and Ice, heaven’s black sheep, Qenna, meets her match in Pyro, chaos incarnate and devilish charm in a designer suit.

In Raven, a reaper forces the Guardian, Mara, to accept what’s in her heart or say goodbye to her Raven forever.

In Hunting Pleasure, Lucifer’s Lieutenant, Selene, indulges in heaven’s highest ranking sentinels, Michael and Arael, who turn the hunter into the hunted.

And finally, in No Mercy, God’s right hand, Gabriella, must convince Lucifer to abolish the law standing between her brethren and their lovers.  To right a wrong she played a part in, Gabriella agrees to a private meeting with the object of her darkest fantasies—the devil himself.

Excerpt from “Fire and Ice“:

Giant snowflakes drifted down around me, where I perched on the ledge of the war monument.  The wings of the stone angel at my back, along with the growing darkness, would mask my own silver wings from any humans who might wander through Centennial Park.

Beneath me, Micah, one of my brothers on high, walked by cloaked in a black trench coat and a fedora.

“You’re not going to Lu’s titty bar, by any chance, are you?” I shouted down to him while suppressing a snicker.  “Gabriella’s going to be pissed.”

Micah stopped and turned striking blue eyes up at me, cutting across the winter twilight like beacons.  “I—how did—it’s none of your concern, Qenna.”  He rolled his head until his neck cracked.  “What are you doing down here?  Gabriella told you to remain in the upper realm tonight since she’s with Him and Lucifer and can’t keep you out of trouble.”

No wonder she was so crabby earlier.  She totally wanted to bone Lu—it was written all over her every time someone mentioned his name.  I quirked up an eyebrow and shrugged.  “If you won’t answer me, why the hell should I answer you?”  I snorted and leaned forward, my long, white hair tumbling over the edge of the monument in spirals.  “And you’re one to talk.  She told you to stay put, too.”

His eyes darkened before tilting his head forward, obscured once again by the brim of his hat.  He gave a disgruntled huff.  “Just do us all a favor and keep out of trouble, though saying that to you is like telling a kitten to stay away from a dangling scrap of yarn.”  Micah continued in the direction he’d been going.  “Lucifer isn’t around to watch his kind tonight, so you’re on your own.”

“Say hi to Delilah for me.”

Micah’s shoulders hunched up, but he never turned back.  “And give my regards to Pyro.”

Buy I’ll Be Damned here:

Amazon  |  All Romance Ebooks  |  Evernight Publishing

Erotica By Stella

Regrettable Book of the Week™ — “The Delivery Man Always Comes Twice”

Another book for my “Regrettable Book of the Week™” series. For those of you new to my series, this is 100% parody. You are more than welcome to laugh, snicker and guffaw at my amateurish photoshopping and blurb writing. Bad is good. Good is bad.

In my day job, I help return injured workers to gainful employment. So…drawing from that somewhat and thumbing my nose at the bossy billionaire lovers to give the working stiffs their due, we have:

DeliveryMan

The Tagline:

COD beats DOD.

The blurb:

Online shopping junkie, Bunny Dick has never ogled a pair of Blahniks she didn’t like…or Choos or Laboutins or Chanels. Thanks to one-click shopping and a generous sugar daddy, life is nearly perfect.

Due to a nearly fatal accident and its resultant amnesia, Nathan Head has no idea who he is or where he’s from. Since his recovery, he’s been working as a delivery man for Zippy Express. He takes pride in his work, shows up on time, and always has a joke and a ready smile for his patrons. Life is nearly perfect.

When one of Nathan’s deliveries to Bunny interrupts a home invasion in process, Nathan scares off the intruder and offers comfort to his traumatized patron. Bunny sees her hero in a whole new light. Gone is the simple man with the groan-worthy knock-knock jokes. Hello beefy biceps, washboard abs and squeezable buttocks!

But Big Papa might not be so indulgent if he finds out Bunny’s been hopping on another man’s pogo stick. If it’s attached to an ex-employee who survived the hit meant to eliminate a suspected FBI informant, her choice could be fatal.

Will Nathan’s memory return in time to prevent another attempt on his life? Will Bunny’s shoe fetish keep her under Big Papa’s thumb or will the winsome shopaholic realize that sometimes the best gifts come in small packages?

OK, I did NOT shop anything on Nathan in the picture. You just have a dirty mind (or I do for even making this comment)!

Do you have an idea for the next “Regrettable Book of the Week™”? Be sure to share in the comments if so.

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Disclaimer: “Regrettable Book of the Week™” is a completely fictional (duh!) creation for parody purposes only. I have no product beyond what you see in this post. Photos are free download proofs of stock photos or photos I have purchased, not to be used for commercial purposes. This is not a commercial purpose, however, I retain any and all creative story rights in the highly unlikely event I accidentally create something that might be worth a damn.

See all prior Regrettable Books of the Week HERE

Release Day! Submission of a Mafia Princess by Sandra Bunino

My sista from another mista, Sandra Bunino, has a new release, a sexxy little treat from her Satin Rose Experience line of stories set in a high end BDSM club. Submission of a Mafia Princess is her third story and for those of you who loved the first two like me, this one’s even better. Wanna know why? Because it’s longer!SRE2c

Here’s more about Sandra’s story:

The Submission of a Mafia Princess

TSOAMP3Blurb:

Duty, Respect and Honor thy Family…

As the only child of notorious mob boss, Tony “The Chief” Azzari, Antonietta lives her life by this mantra. Toni never questions the world where decisions are made for her, until she meets Harley-Davidson riding bad boy, Braxton Malone. Ever since their fiery first kiss all those years ago, she can’t deny the desire to submit to his control.

Brax always knew he’d be walking a dangerous tightrope if he fell for Toni, but like a moth to a flame, he couldn’t stay away. Barely surviving the wrath of the mob within an inch of his life, a scorned Brax has vowed never again to allow a woman under his skin.

Three years later, Brax is a top Dom at The Satin Rose Experience, New York’s posh BDSM club. When Toni shows up to fulfill her fantasy of submission before being forced into a loveless marriage, that vow is in just as much jeopardy as his life. Can they overcome the crimes of passion from their past and change Toni’s fate forever?

 

Excerpt:

Toni lay in darkness, left alone with her thoughts and listening to the air flowing in through her nose and out through her mouth as Mia had instructed. Candles were one of Toni’s demands, especially when she discovered the submissive pose would push her ass high in the air. She couldn’t handle a harsh spotlight on her full cheeks. Even though she didn’t want to admit it, the dim lights also served the purpose of keeping her Dom of choice, Mick, as anonymous as possible. Not that she needed candles for that; his last minute demand was to blindfold her. Something that they hadn’t talked about while reviewing her soft and hard limits.

Toni wasn’t sure how much time had passed since Mia left the room after preparing her for the scene. She tested the restraints connected to her wrist bindings. Only an inch or two of slack allowed her to shift slightly on the sumptuous bed. Crisp linens cradled her shins, which were spread slightly. Deep breaths pushed her leather-covered breasts into the soft mattress. Her position of submission caused the leather strap between her backside cheeks to tighten against her sensitized folds.

The click of the lock and slide of the door caused every nerve ending to stand at attention. Heavy footfalls sounded on the suite’s plush carpeting. Concentrating on her breathing, Toni willed her heart to stay within the confines of her chest.

Inhale through her nose. Fingers caressed the back of her calf and eased her shoe off her right foot.

Exhale through her mouth. Her other shoe slid from her foot and a single finger drew a slow line down the bottom of her foot.

Inhale. The ticking of a zipper filled her ears.

Exhale. Shit, the breathing thing wasn’t working.

Inhale and hold. She squeezed her eyes shut. I can do this. I can do this.

The floodgates opened with a sobbing exhale. “Fire! Fire. I’m sorry. I can’t. I just…can’t. I thought I could. I thought it would be like before. But it’s not.”

“Before?” a low voice whispered. There was something about that voice.

“Yes, before. With Brax. I’m sorry. I just can’t, not like this.” A sob wracked her chest and tears soaked her blindfold.

“Shh, it’s okay,” Hands stroked her hair enveloping her into a comforting sensation that was as familiar as breathing. She picked her head up and perked her ears toward the source.

“Brax?”

“It’s me, Antonietta. You’re safe.”

The bed dipped next to her and the blindfold slipped off her head. She blinked a few times to focus her eyes.

“Hello, sunshine.”

“What are you doing here?”

“Come on, you know me a little better than to think I’d sit back idly and allow some random man have his way with you.”

Toni sat up on her heels causing her tethered hands to rise awkwardly.

“Here. Let’s get you out of these.” Brax unhooked the restraints from her bindings and took her hands into his. He untied the satin cords and slowly uncoiled them from her wrists. Rubbing them in between his hands, memories came flooding back. Back when she was his.

“You look beautiful,” he said, surveying her body.

She focused on his face, attempting to sear every feature of him into her memory: the planes and light stubble of his cheeks, his tousled hair, and his eyes that had always been able to read her like a book from the first day they met.

There was so much she wanted to say, but it was pointless. “One night is all we have.”

Brax took her chin between his thumb and index finger and pulled her close. “I know. Get up and get dressed.”

“Where are we going?”

“Your fantasy of submission starts now. No questions,” he said and playfully slapped her ass. Grabbed his jacket from the chair, he strode to the door before turning around.

“You have ten minutes. Wear a dress and these.” He pulled a flash of red and lace from the jacket’s pocket and tossed it to Toni.

 

Purchase THE SUBMISSION OF A MAFIA PRINCESS here:

Evernight Publishing / Amazon / AllRomance eBooks / Bookstrand

Author Bio:Sandra Bunino

Sandra Bunino is a numbers crunching business professional by day who stays up past her bedtime thanks to her oh-so-sexy imagination. Who needs sleep, anyway? Sandra is constantly searching for different ways to achieve a heart-pumping, stomach-flipping, breath-catching reaction from her readers.

These days, Sandra lives on a wooded mountaintop not far from New York City with her family. She always looks forward to hearing from her readers and she may be contacted at sbunino@gmail.com. As a social media junkie in need of a ten-step program, you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter (@sandrabunino).

 

Stalk Sandra here:

Website / Twitter / Facebook / Goodreads / Pinterest

Remember, following is sexy!

Evernight’s Valentine Snippets Blog Hop!

EVS-Graphic

Welcome to my blog hop stop for the Evernight’s Valentine Snippets!

I’m giving away:

A Tote Bag and Pen (see below for picture).

All you have to do to win is read the excerpt below from my latest release, Succubus Steam, and answer the question in the comments. You can earn extra chances by “Liking” Evernight Publishing’s Facebook page and my Facebook page.

Please use the Rafflecopter if you can, but if you can’t, then indicate the name you “liked” Evernight’s and/or my Facebook pages as in your comment. Don’t forget to include your email address so I know how to contact you! All entrants will need to answer a question about the short excerpt below in the comments.

Blurb from Succubus Steam:

A succubus half-breed, such as Violet, who hobnobs with the highest echelons of Victorian London society, is a bride in a difficult marriage of extremes. Any act that wants of propriety, and she would find herself banished to the wilds of Cornwall where her full-blooded succubus sisters live and thrive. Yet she prefers the company of mortals, even if she must occasionally risk her reputation by engaging in discreet sexual liaisons.

When Violet’s great uncle dies and bequeaths her his laboratory and home, she crafts an artificially intelligent automaton named Adam to sate her carnal needs. Her plan is coming along nicely until an incubus from her past, and the unwitting model for her invention, discovers her secret. Violet has good reason to be wary of losing her heart to Lyle, but perhaps Adam is the key to fulfilling all of her desires.

and EXCERPT from Succubus Steam:

Succubus Steam1MMy butler, Barrick, alerts me by way of a volley of signals that cascade into my laboratory far below street level. The end result is a reproduction of Barrick’s voice down to the last inflection in tone that alerts me to the arrival of my guests, thirty minutes prior to what had been arranged.

I do not enjoy the company of my half- sisters, yet they insist on making periodic visits to my London home. They are coarse and unpredictable and threaten my already precarious social standing.

“Why are they always early when I wish they were late and late when I wish they were early!” I proclaim.

“I do not know, Violet. Shall we discuss it further?” Adam says.

“That was a rhetorical question, Adam. There is no logical answer other than capriciousness.”

“Capriciousness,” he says, swirling the word around in his mouth. He tilts his head and makes eye contact. “Explain capriciousness.”

“Capriciousness means unpredictable, subject to whims, or in my sisters’ cases, behavior intended solely to disconcert.” I smile at his inquisitiveness and ability to increase his intelligence. I had intended a certain amount of growth in his mental faculties, but his enthusiastic expansion of such has surpassed even my dreams.

I disengage Adam’s gears with a sigh and place a kiss of hope upon his cheek.

The trip to my parlor I make at a leisurely pace. My sisters must be taught that I do not make haste to reward their ill-time arrival. Once settled, I give a nod to Barrick to admit my guests.

“Violet!” Morganna sweeps into my parlor, unfurling her scarf and unbuttoning her coat as she covers the distance between us.

“Thank you, Barrick,” I say. Morganna’s confidence that Barrick will catch and tend to her discarded items mortifies me. Barrick has always been a noble and faithful servant and does not deserve such haughty presumptiveness. “Would you bring us some tea, please?”

“Certainly, my lady and perhaps some of Cook’s tea cakes as well.” Barrick gives a shallow bow but not before I catch the lift of his sardonic brows.

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OK, so here’s the question you’ll need to answer in the comments (click the little balloon icon in the upper right corner of the post to open the comment box):

What word does Violet explain to Adam and why?

LilaTotePen(Psst…I’m Lila Shaw AND Claire Gillian)

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