May 15 2013

Regrettable Book of the Week™ — “The Baker’s Bitch”

It’s time for the “Regrettable Book of the Week™”! Yay! For those of you new to my series, this is 100% parody. You are more than welcome to laugh, snicker and guffaw at my amateurish photoshopping and blurb writing. Bad is good. Good is bad.

Today I have a guest submission by the uber-awesome and fellow Pen sister who hails from the wild beauty of Alaska, Sheryl Winters. I just wish my photoshop skills were a little better to do Sheryl’s cover concept justice. I tried, Sheryl, I did. But let’s get to the fun story now…

BakersBitchThe Tagline:

What’s a spotted bitch to do when run over by Prince Charming?

The blurb:

Shia is a shifter, from a line of prestigious Dalmations. The shifter population is dying out, so when her father presses her to marry her second cousin Louis, she accepts it. What’s a little inbreeding when the fate of your family is on the line? So what if he looks like a scamp and his fur has mange. She knows her duty to her family!

After an attempt at her life by ruthless Tiger Shifters, Shia panics and races into the road still in her shifter form. She is hit by Kerr McGregor, the town’s hottie baker. The man is single-handedly responsible for baking all the delicious treats in the neighborhood, and incidentally the man she’s been in love with since the day she turned sixteen and first discovered the word croissant.

Kerr takes her in during her time of need. He sees only the poor sick Dalmation that she is. But then Shia does the unthinkable. She falls in love with her master.

Should she stay with him as a Dalmation, forgoing shifting just to enjoy all the tummy rubbings and leftover donuts she can get? Or should she reveal her shifter nature, an act so forbidden that if found out, she will forever be shunned by shifter society? Or will she miss her only chance at true love?

I think she did a great job, don’t you?

Do you have an idea for the next “Regrettable Book of the Week™”? Be sure to share in the comments if so.

***

Disclaimer: “Regrettable Book of the Week™” is a completely fictional (duh!) creation for parody purposes only. I have no product beyond what you see in this post. Photos are free download proofs of stock photos or photos I have purchased, not to be used for commercial purposes. This is not a commercial purpose, however, Sheryl Winters and I retain any and all creative story rights in the highly unlikely event we accidentally create something that might be worth a damn.

See all prior Regrettable Books of the Week HERE

By • Regrettable Covers • 6 • Tags: , , ,

May 14 2013

Humor and Romance (and a New Release by Siobhan Muir) #giveaway

I have a special guest today–the uber talented Ms. Siobhan Muir. She’s just released a book entitled Not A Dragon’s Standard Virgin. Okay, how can anyone NOT want to read that? It’s definitely going in my TBR pile. But I’ll let Siobhan herself tell you more about how she pairs humor and romance—the perfect marriage in my book, like a Reece’s peanut butter cup!

***

When Lila offered me a place on her blog to shout about Not a Dragon’s Standard Virgin, I thought, “Yeah! I can totally do an interview or author spotlight.” But those options seemed like a poor representation of the efforts made to promote a book (translation: kinda boring). Do you really want to know about my writing methodology or my favorite food (cheesecake, by the way)? It seemed kind of “been there, done that” when so many authors are vying for your attention: “BUY MY BOOK, BUY MY BOOK.” I do want you to buy my book, but I’d rather make it fun.

One thing I truly appreciate about my friend Lila is her ability to show the humor in all her tales – and it’s not just purposely funny things, but rather the every-day events which go wrong or not quite as the characters expect. When I’m writing, I usually know where my characters are going and what is likely to happen in the story. I have a general outline I follow – mostly so I don’t forget some details I want to include. But sometimes, the characters do something I don’t expect and it turns into a scene that brings me great delight.

My newest release was like that. I thought I knew everything about Jonarrion Swiftwind. He had his stuff together. He knew how to fight like any warrior does, and he’d never forget anything. Right? Uh, maybe. Jon made a dramatic exit in his story, taking his lady and flying off into the sunset – well, actually it was raining and he flew south, but you get the idea. I was writing along, happy as a clam, when I wrote, “Then he gathered his sword—” and realized he HADN’T gathered his sword, his primary weapon as a warrior, before he flew off. Rewriting large chunks of story is never fun for an author so I started thinking of ways I could fix it that would make sense. The following excerpt of Not a Dragon’s Standard Virgin is the result.

sm-notadragonsstandardvirginEXCERPT

Jonarrion laid Isabelle down on a bed of soft, dry, fragrant needles and retreated to shift into his human form. While the ruins of the old castle hidden by the young forest could take his natural size, his color would show between the trees to anyone who knew what to look for. When he stood upon two feet again, he returned to the overhang of stone from a ruined floor, grateful it kept the rain from soaking his lady. He paused at the edge of their rough camp, the memories of the evening flooding his mind as he took in her graceful shape.

Gathering up all their belongings from the little cave had been a comedy of errors. First Jonarrion had a handful of unconscious woman and refused to set her down for fear she’d get pneumonia from the cold and wet. He’d swung his great head back and forth in indecision before he decided she wouldn’t be there long enough to get sick and consoled himself with the reminder that she wore his plaid.

When he’d reached into the cave to collect their things, only his arm would fit. He spent several minutes growling and groping for the pile of items he could only see when he pulled his arm back. He completely destroyed the careful collection Isabelle had made, and spent several more minutes picking up each item individually.

He’d congratulated himself on getting everything and wrapping it all carefully around his woman. He’d been all set to leave when he remembered his sword, still lying on the pockmarked floor of the demon’s lair.

So much for a dramatic exit when he had to go back for his weapon.

He’d stood there at the cave mouth for several minutes, vacillating between taking Isabelle somewhere safe, or going back for his weapon while they remained close. Collecting the sword immediately won out, but he’d felt like a prize idiot. He’d found the blade where they’d left it, and the elf had disappeared.

Thank the Goddess!

Jonarrion was also tremendously grateful Isabelle had slept through all of it. Not much of a hero if he couldn’t remember to take his own sword with him when he dramatically left the field. He’d paused only long enough to engulf the entire lair in blinding dragonfyre, charring the demon’s body to nothing more than ash, and cleansing the stone of its hideous poison.

Jonarrion unconsciously shook his head, and a cold drop of water slid down his back. He jumped, shaking himself into the present where his lady needed a fire to stay warm. He’d prefer to warm her with his own fire, but despite his cock’s enthusiastic agreement, he forced his body to search for dry kindling for a campfire. Nothing was dry, and he grumbled about damned spring weather, but scraped a hole in the floor of the clearing and lined it with rocks.

Jon’s mishaps made me like him even more than I did before, and reminded me of all the times my actions backfired on me. I can still see him standing there, shaking his head, and rubbing his hand over his face in disgust. :D

Thanks so much for stopping by and reading. As it happens, I’m giving away one copy of Not a Dragon’s Standard Virgin to one commenter who answers this question: What’s the best (funniest?) thing you’ve done to ruin a dramatic exit? Please leave your email address or Twitter handle in your comment so we can contact you if you win.

Thank you, Lila, for hosting me today and I hope everyone has a great week. :)

***

Thanks for coming by, Siobhan! So, you KNOW you want a copy of this one. Be sure to comment for a chance to win but more importantly to entertain me! :)

How about a few more deets about Siobhan’s hot little ditty, including where to buy if you want it now and don’t want to wait for a chance at a giveaway:

BUY LINK for Not A Dragon’s Standard Virgin:

Bookstrand.com: http://www.bookstrand.com/not-a-dragons-standard-virgin

 BLURB

Sacrificial virgins are so sixteenth century, but unless Isabelle finds a man to take her innocence, she’ll likely be next.

For Isabelle Andersen, being a virgin in a dragon-plagued Scottish village is dangerous. Potentially the next dragon sacrifice, Isabelle’s only solution is to lose her innocence, and fast. All she needs is one handsome stranger she can coax into bed, but Lochmore Cott doesn’t get much in the way of visitors.

Jonarrion Swiftwind has sworn off virgins. The last time he took one to his bed, his family paid the price for his lust at the hands of her demon-possessed father. He’s made it his mission to destroy all demons. Nothing distracts him from killing this demon until lovely Isabelle offers him tea. And her virginity.

Just one night of passion makes Jon realize he doesn’t want to let the independent beauty go. But will Isabelle accept him when she discovers the only real dragon in her village… is him?

BIO:

Siobhan Muir lives in Las Vegas, Nevada, with her husband, two daughters, and a vegetarian cat she swears is a shape-shifter, though he’s never shifted when she can see him. When not writing, she can be found looking down a microscope at fossil fox teeth, pursuing her other love, paleontology. An avid reader of science fiction/fantasy, her husband gave her a paranormal romance for Christmas one year, and she was hooked for good.

In previous lives, Siobhan has been an actor at the Colorado Renaissance Festival, a field geologist in the Aleutian Islands, and restored inter-planetary imagery at the USGS. She’s hiked to the top of Mount St. Helens and to the bottom of Meteor Crater.

Siobhan writes kick-ass adventure with hot sex for men and women to enjoy. She believes in happily ever after, redemption, and communication, all of which you will find in her paranormal romance stories.

Siobhan’s recent release, Not a Dragon’s Standard Virgin, is from Siren Publishing, and she has published Queen Bitch of the Callowwood Pack through Siren, and Her Devoted Vampire through Evernight Publishing. She also has a free read out entitled A Hell Hound’s Fire introducing her new Cloudburst, Colorado series.

Find Siobhan here:

Website: http://siobhanmuir.com

Blog: http://siobhanmuir.blogspot.com

Facebook: http://facebook.com/siobhan.muir.35

Twitter: http://twitter.com/SiobhanMuir

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5760938.Siobhan_Muir

Google Plus: http://plus.google.com/u/0/118081545120488658410/posts

By • Announcements, Contests, Interviews • 10 • Tags: , , , , ,

May 10 2013

Escape to Bella Key with Scarlet Chastain

Just released! Bella Key by Scarlet Chastain, and I’ve got Ms. Chastain herself on my blog to talk about her DEBUT release! Woo-hoo! Take it away Miss Scarlet.

***

Thank you for having me as a guest, Lila!  I appreciate you celebrating the debut of my new release, BELLA KEY, with me. Maddie and Sunny’s sexy story released May 3rd and my girls are already receiving a lot of buzz…

Harlie’s Books gave it a “Recommended Read”: “I can not tell you how much I loved Maddie and Sunny’s story. Well written, sensual and sweet.”

Love Books! said: “This taste of the ongoing party-like atmosphere of the Keys is making me want to take a vacation. I felt like I was about to step on the beach while reading. The romance between Sunny and Maddie was a joy to experience. I was rooting for them.”

 

bella-key1mBella Key

by Scarlet Chastain

Release Date: May 3rd
from Evernight Publishing

Blurb:

Maddie Jacobs must be crazy. At least that’s what her mother thinks. Professionally, she’s confident and secure; personally, she’s a hot mess. Not even a marriage proposal from a man who adores her can quell her search for something more.

In need of an escape, Maddie flees to Key West’s most southern island, Bella Key, to rest and recharge at Casa Bonita. She almost gives up on weekend retreat when the Bed & Breakfast is closed for repairs until Sunny Rojas, the inn owner, extends an offer of friendship, sweet tea and a room. Still reeling from a breakup with her longtime partner, Sunny is thankful for the diversion from her own broken heart.

The arrival of a fierce storm forces the women’s emotional journey to a head and leads them into each other’s arms. But can Maddie throw her hangups to the wind and go with her heart? The magic of Bella Key teaches her that passion cannot be placed neatly into boxes labeled right and wrong, because love knows no boundaries.

Excerpt:

Sunny walked toward the slim form sitting on a bench facing the water. The reds and oranges of the sunset played off Maddie’s golden hair. Sunny’s fingers itched to smooth a wisp of hair blowing in the early evening breeze. An overwhelming feeling of desire to wrap her arms around the woman, guide her head to her shoulder and stroke her hair while she whispered ‘everything will work out’ ran through her head.

“It’s stunning, isn’t it?” She nodded at the horizon when Maddie looked up. “I never get tired of watching Key West sunsets. Each one is different. I come down here a lot to think, or when I have a decision to make. There’s something about the sunset that puts things into perspective.” Sunny stared at the glowing orange sun disappearing into the wide expanse of sea. “Here, I brought you some more of the sweet tea you liked earlier.”

Maddie took the glass from her, and the brush of her fingertips along the back of Sunny’s hand sent her nerve endings on overdrive. Sunny leaned on the back of the bench, supporting her weight with arms. “I spent much time down here dealing with the same situation. My guy’s name was Emilio.”

Maddie’s head cocked to the side. “Emilio? I thought you were—”

“A lesbian?” Sunny snorted. “I don’t really think of it as liking one sex versus another. I’m attracted to the person, you know, what’s inside. But, yes, since Emilio I’ve only been with women. Leaving him was hard. We met in college and he wanted to get married after graduation. Asked my parents and everything.” Sunny chuckled, remembering the disappointment reflected in her mother’s eyes when she told her they’d broken up.

Maddie turned and put her feet on the seat of the bench, drawing her knees to her chest. “What happened?”

“I’ll tell you what didn’t happen, chica. The world didn’t end. Emilio found someone else and is happily married with a couple of kids. My mother not only got over the fact that l broke up with Emilio, but she accepts the fact that my goals in life aren’t the same as hers. You see, those who really care about you just want to see you happy. What you need to figure out is what makes you happy.”

Find Bella Key here:

Evernight Publishing / Amazon US / Amazon UK / AllRomance eBooks / BookStrand

Author Bio:

Scarlet ChastainScarlet Chastain is the semi-secret pseudonym of a multi-published, best selling author of sensual erotic romance. Scarlet’s focus is female-centric sizzling stories written about women, for women.

She lives in the suburban shadows of New York City but her heart belongs to the beaches of Key West. Scarlet can usually be found in her favorite chair of her newly acquired writing cave with her maltipoo, Coco.

 

Stalk Scarlet here:

Website: http://scarletchastain.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Scarlet-Chastain/524838890901873

Twitter: @scarletchastain

Email: scarletchastain@gmail.com

 

 

By • Announcements, Interviews • 2

May 9 2013

A Naughty Peek at Talbot’s Seduction by Kastil Eavenshade

Visiting me today is long-time Pens cohort and an author with some of the wittiest quips I’ve ever read, Kastil Eavenshade. She’s here to tell us all a little more about her latest release, Talbot’s Seduction, from Evernight Publishing. Take it away, Kastil!

***

Thanks for giving me a little space, Lila. Today I’d like to talk about how I created the character of Talbot Sauvageot. He’s brash, arrogant, and a man who prefers other men in his bed. In the first book I wrote about Talbot, he was sure of his sexuality. In this one—in a time period before Talbot’s Ploy—he’s just finding his way. What’s a man to do when he’s betrothed to a beautiful woman and cannot ‘get it up’ in her presence?

I tormented this character to no end, much like someone in his position and title would have been in 18th century France. It’s not exactly something you can be open about in that time period…unless you preferred the whack of a sharp blade on your neck. So in Talbot’s Seduction, you learn of how he comes to terms with what he truly desires…but not without a cost.

talbots-seduction-mockBlurb:

Talbot Sauvageot is a young Lord living in Paris, France, in search of anything but the duties of his station. He spends his time drinking and whoring, his memory of the last evening always a blur. When he is tricked by his betrothed’s father, Talbot realizes his heart beats not for the velvety folds of a woman but the hardened shaft of a man. Now he must find a balance in a world that condemns a man to death should he dabble in sodomy. His desires are unleashed tenfold when his Friend Tyeis shares his same interests in a bedmate.

Warning: m/m sex, multiple partners, forced seduction, sex toys, spanking, public exhibition, rimming

Excerpt:

(Lila’s note–this one is a wee more graphic than my usual PG-13 fare but not password level.)

His gaze wandered to the window, and he strode over. The scenery hadn’t changed much. Frolicking in the pool below had turned into a festive event. Many more students—including Tyeis—dove into the crystal water. Clothes lay scattered on the marble tile surrounding the area. Talbot’s cock stirred at the sight, and he stepped back.

Back in Paris, when his father treated him to a maison, Talbot had been unwilling to shed his clothes in front of Delphine. She had instructed him on pleasing a woman after their flight from her brothel, but he’d felt clumsy and awkward. She praised his skill, vowing to have her girls spread the word of his prowess. His trust in Delphine came with no reservations. Their need for secrecy was mutual.

His need grew in his breeches, and Talbot turned his parents’ picture face down. What he was about to partake in was the very reason his father took him to the maison over and over again. The heat rose in his cheeks as he peered out the window again, his eyes fixed on the majestic beauty of the chiseled specimens below.

Talbot’s head hung low for the wicked images circling in his head but he couldn’t deny his want. His manhood sprang out of his breeches as the laces unfurled. “Forgive me, Father,” he murmured. His fingers grasped his throbbing member, sliding along the shaft. The more he honed in on the nakedness below, the thickness grew within his gliding palm. His forehead pressed against the glass as his breathing grew heavy. Heady illusions of his fellow brethren wrapping their lips around his girth excited him more. Talbot’s scrotum contracted and the pressure built.

The click and turn of his door had Talbot scrambling to cover his erect cock. At full mast, its size could not be contained in his pants. He reached for the coverlet on the bed to mask his state. Perspiration ran down his cheeks, and his embarrassment grew.

Professuer LaVigne stood in the doorway. Without a word, he closed the door behind him and walked over to Talbot. He yanked away the blanket, and Talbot desperately tried to hide his engorged cock behind his hands.

“Remove your hands, Talbot.”

“Monsieur, s’il vous plait.” Talbot could not met his eyes nor tame his cock.

“Now or should I write your father on your behavior?”

As if touching an open flame, Talbot snatched away his hands. “I will not happen again, Professuer. I swear.”

“I doubt that.” LaVigne snorted. His finger thrust under Talbot’s chin, forcing him to gaze into the eyes of his teacher. “Pray tell, Talbot, what was your inspiration for such acts?”

Talbot’s eyes betrayed him, casting a glance over at the window. His chest seized, the fear of his lust being discovered chilling his skin.

LaVigne half-smiled and adjusted the front of Talbot’s waistcoat before dancing his fingers lower. Talbot’s eyes widened as his teacher stroked the underside of his hardened manhood.

“Your tastes are sinful, Talbot, and should you be caught, your parent’s shame will be the last of your worries.” LaVigne continued his deviation. “May I suggest you wait until night consumes the land for such indulgences and, if it pleases you, my door is open to relieve you of your guilt.” He swiped the liquid from the purple tip and suckled it from his finger.

Talbot trembled, the shock of his teacher’s bold actions unnerving him. LaVigne could never know his act quickened Talbot’s breath.

“It is wrong,” Talbot said, yet his cock did not agree with his words. He’d dabbled with an older man once before, and it ended in death for the Comte. He could not entertain that thought again.

“Only if one gets caught. Be careful, Talbot, and I will show you how to keep you and whatever lover you choose safe. Even in Paris.” He reached into his jacket and pulled out a card. It fluttered onto Talbot’s bed. LaVigne left, a smirk on his face.

Talbot shifted his shaft into his pants and laced them in haste. His hand wiped away the sweat still pouring from his brow. Far away from his home, Talbot shivered from his arousing encounter with LaVigne. His cock begged for release yet, and the temptation to seek out his teacher after dark called to him.

Talbot shook his head. He could not give in to his carnal lust. It was not the right of the world. His secret needed to be buried below, never to be acted upon again. He had left Paris behind but the sin he washed himself in followed close.

BUY LINKS:

Evernight Publishing | All Romance eBooks | Amazon | Bookstrand | Rainbow eBooks

Add to your Goodreads tbr pile.

By • Announcements • 2 • Tags: ,

May 8 2013

Regrettable Book of the Week Playoff Winner is…

First, thank you to everyone who voted!

Now the big reveal…It was a tie between Harlequin Sheik and The Widow’s Last Laugh.

Harlequin Sheik-2 WidowsLastLaugh

I’ll break the tie and give the win to:
Harlequin Sheik-2

I actually have a REAL plot nearly done on this one, so there’s a strong possibility it could be written. As a reminder the Regrettable blurb was this:

The Tagline:

She’s not asking what her country can do for her, but instead asking what she can do for her country…over and over again.

The blurb:

The man who owns the love nest next to Dulcie Thomas is a royal hound dog. Literally. As in he’s a sheik from some Arabian country no one’s ever heard of but where the oil-driven GNP has allowed even the poorest citizens to keep swanky penthouse pads in New York City. The guy always shows up with a new beauty in tow–leggy, blonde, big tits, your basic nightmare–sets up house for a few weeks then disappears. The blonde skips off with a new bauble never to be seen again and a week or so later, the cycle begins anew. Disgusting.

Sheik Khalil Ibraham Prashneesh Yolande Mohammed Al-Jaffir, Skippy M to his club friends, has had it with his bitchy next door neighbor. Seems the building will let any riff-raff with a big trust fund take up residency. Skippy will be sure to have a word with Mr. Trompe the next time he sees him. This harridan named Dovey, Daisy, whatever, might not be so bad if she didn’t leave her ridiculous paperback romances on his doorstep. Always about some billionaire playboy sheik. He doesn’t need her romance tips, thank you very much. And if she doesn’t like the books, why does she keep reading them?

The east / west, male / female conflict comes to a head when Dulcie suspects Skippy has terrorist connections. Why else would he be ordering blindfolds, handcuffs, rope and torture devices? Patriot that she is, Dulcie is determined to aid Homeland Security even if that means going undercover beneath one thousand thread count sheets edged in gold filigree. Mata Hari will be nothing but a smudge on history’s pages after Dulcie fulfills her duty…no matter how many times she has to seduce the filthy beast! But at what cost to her heart?

 

By • Regrettable Covers • 1 • Tags: ,

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